March 7, 2013: Anxiety

I got through my MRI. And after the fact, I must admit that the test caused me anxiety. More anxiety than my upcoming surgery. Anxiety isn't a common feeling for me, so my anxiety caused me to be even more anxious. So basically I was anxious over being anxious.Try to figure that one out.

It is an interesting study in human nature what brings on these little episodes. I have never had fear of being in small spaces before. My triggering event was the "body bag" rescue from my ski accident. Per Garrett, I turned completely white when they tied me tightly into the sled. Once my panic was noticed and hands released, my color came back and anxiety went away. But I found this to be short-lived.

Boarding an airplane back from New York, we found ourselves on a puddle jumper. On top of the small plane being overly warm, the ceilings were low and felt suffocating to me. As I sat in my window seat feeling anxious, I began psychoanalyzing my current state of mind. "Seriously, Sandy. Where is this coming from?" was the thought that went through my mind. But I got through it.

In the back of my mind has been this imminent MRI in my future. I have seen these torturing tunnels of claustrophobia. Panic. Anxiety. Fear. That pretty much sums up how I felt on the prospect of this test.

Yesterday was the day. "Get it over with and get over yourself, Sandy" was the resonating thought going through me head. So that I did. And it wasn't easy. The test was 25 minutes and my head was left out, but not my hands <ugh>. My heart was beating at record pace in the beginning, but eventually it dipped down to resting level for the last five minutes. The staff was great. No doubt I wasn't the first to have anxiety in this massive machine.

After many prayers and thoughts of those I love holding my hand, I did it. And I do think I conquered  my fear in the end. I am curious if this is typical therapy for one with claustrophobia. Do they just throw you in a box and tell you to get over it? I do think it worked. I guess we'll find out next time I board a small plane...


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