July 9, 2018: A Country Mile

A country mile run on mile 2

I have a confession to make.

I cried. I cried really hard. The ugly kind where my face scrunched up as I wailed like an inconsolable toddler.

It was as Garrett and I sat down to dinner a week ago. My brother, Matt, had left the day before to begin his new life in Arizona. It was a few days before that when my dear friend, Angelique, moved to North Dakota to start the new chapter of her life.

The hard realization was setting in that I was just weeks away from Grant moving to Colorado and life never feeling the same to me. My impending empty nest was feeling like an empty heart. So many emotions over so many changes. And although all these changes are good things, great things really, I still cried.

"What do I have to be sad about?" I continued to ask myself as I fought the tears away while making dinner. But I didn't win the fight. With my loving, sweet husband sitting across from me at the dinner table and asking  the simple question,"How was your day?", I burst into tears.

Garrett didn't say a word as our food got cold and I kept crying. He rubbed my hand and just let me get it out. It had been years since I sobbed tears like these, but what a wonderful release.

Finally to the point where I was able to utter some words, Garrett asked me why I was crying. I articulated the best I could on how these changes were wonderful but equally bittersweet. How part of my life purpose seemed to be vanishing. How I was faced with looking in the mirror and penning out how my next chapter would look. I needed to define my new purpose.

Then Garrett shared with me how he shed a few tears a year ago as he packed up and pulled out of Denver to move to Omaha. His son moving to New York, he was sad to not have that day-to-day parenting connection. All the years of memories and people he shared life with were disappearing out of his rearview mirror as the Rockies faded from his view.

He completely understood and rubbed my hand some more.

Two days later we drove to Indiana to visit his dad. I was very much looking forward to this trip. Getting away with just my husband and dog in tow on a road trip for a much-needed visit to see Garrett's relatives sounded like a great way to unwind.

Our eight-hour drive gave us time to work through my big question of purpose. With Garrett sharing many of these same feelings himself, we had great conversation. But I still felt this pressure to have it all figured out. A need for immediacy on how to fill my days past filling school schedules and football games on my calendar. Past movies and outings that always included my brother. Figuring out that big next thing I needed to conquer.

By the time we reached the Indiana border, I was restless in not having it figured out but too tired to talk about it anymore. So we moved on to podcasts and other subjects while the lingering thoughts resting squarely on my mind.

With our entry into Monterey, Indiana, and the beginnings of participating in small town living, a funny thing happened. The worry peeled away and the wonderful by-product of clear reflection started to set in. My aha moment began with Garrett's dad, Larry, taking me on a bike ride following the country roads outside of town. Each stretch of road designating a country mile, the best kind of mile with open air and fields full of the harvest from the hard-work of man.

I was taken back in time to being a young girl again; pre-kids, pre-marriage and pre-career. The world was mine and a bike ride on the outer highways around my little town was where I thought about my dreams and what my next day would entail.

The next day in Monterey I decided to run the same four-mile square route, between the corn crops that surrounded the little town. Each stretch I ran the designated a country mile.

With each step and memory of my many years among corn stalks and barns, my mind eased a bit. Instead of focusing on purpose, my thoughts moved to the great opportunity I had in front of me. A life that was wide open for new adventures with no barriers. I just needed to take it one mile at a time.

our thoughtful spot

The world kept feeling wider and bigger as I looked out to the miles of fields around me. It is amazing how the therapy of a country road with only the sounds of birds and tractors, with a few waves from occupants of passing trucks, can calm the mind.

After a slow-moving two days with more bike rides, a shameless nap, and a trip to the library (and possibly a quick stop to the local tavern after book selections), I never felt so content. Sitting in our little area in Larry's backyard, I declared to Garrett, "I think I found my purpose."

"Really??" he responded.

"Yeah, this all feels pretty good to me," I went on to tell him with my legs perched on a second lawn chair and book resting on my lap. "It will all come together. One day at a time. In the meantime, I'm going to write like a mother-trucker* and I'm going to stop and smell the roses."

Garrett smiled back with no words. We have that unspoken language that couples have; he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

And as I have many times professed, purpose is not a selection process, it's an elimination process. I have many years behind me in working through the elimination part with many new unchartered roads that lie ahead.

Country roads and road trips are definitely in our future, along with enjoying the life moments and people along the way. I don't need an overextended Outlook calendar to achieve joy in that. But visiting my brothers, parents, and my kids will be at the top of the list. All the better will be to have my husband, my father-in-law, and my dog in tow for the next road trip....

* Sidebar - I read Cheryl Strayed's book "Tiny Beautiful Things" which I thoroughly enjoyed. She struck a chord with me in her authentic writing style and her straight talk encouragement to other writers to "write like a mother-fucker". Since Garrett was the one who forwarded a podcast of Cheryl's to me to encourage my writing, I have since shared this phrase with him on various occasions. Cheryl's work is great, by the way. She also wrote "Wild", the Reese Witherspoon movie.